it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
