does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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