just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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