youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
