is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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