Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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