Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
