If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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