first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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