forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
