that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
