Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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