I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
