so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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