I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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