I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
