i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
