I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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