oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
