just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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