Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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