Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
