weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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