my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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