burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
