im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
