Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
