Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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