Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
