I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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