I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
