just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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