i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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