Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
