Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
