yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
