Four minutes until I can fart!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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