Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
