you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we made out on top of his cat.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize