I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
