she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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