I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
