the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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