tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize