my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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