any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
