So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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