So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
