There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize