You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
