a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
