Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
