no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
