a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
