Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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