Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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